Mianhamnida (Sorry)
We are lame bloggers. Forgive us?
I’ll get back on the band-wagon here.
We (primarily me) have been homesick lately. We do things, but nothing feels noteworthy enough to take pics or blog about. At first, being in Korea was so novel and we were so excited about everything we were doing. Now, after 1.5 years, we feel settled. It’s nothing new anymore (except for the plate of hacked up dog meat we saw the other day, but that’s another story!)
Something’s been on my mind for a while. I’m learning a lot about who I am since being here. I’ve come to realize that I am totally an American. I am often NOT proud to be an American, but it is my culture, and I realize now what a huge role it plays in who I am.
When we moved here, I just wanted to blend in and be a “real” Korean. I wanted to soak it in, all the culture I had “missed out on” since being adopted. What I’ve realized is, I can’t erase who I am. An American! I mean, refer back to my Thanksgiving post for further evidence! When I’m in the States, I feel like I’m more Korean, but being here makes me feel more American. I suppose it’s the “different” that makes its way to the surface. In the States, people see a Korean face, and therefore see someone who is different; a minority. Here, they see me as Korean. They know just by looking at me that I was born here. But as soon as I open my mouth, they know I’m different. It’s like I’m an alien inside a disguise. Something’s not quite right. There’s a lot of confusion, lots of questions. People want to figure me out. It can be frustratingly humorous! It’s like they’re trying to solve a riddle or put together a puzzle in their heads… Why can’t this Korean girl speak Korean?!? In Korea, I rattle off the phrase that explains I’m from America… Still, they are puzzled. They continue talking to me in Korean. “Uh, I don’t understand. Only English,” I say. I try to explain… “Uh, parents, American. White.” At this point, they either give up, still visibly trying to put the pieces together, or they give a nod and walk away. I am sorry I didn’t learn Korean growing up (when my brain was more of a sponge). It’s really pathetic though that I haven’t learned much while I’ve been here. Just a lazy American I guess. ;) Really though, it’s just been too easy surviving without it, we haven’t needed to learn (well, we can read the language, but we don’t know what things mean… That can count for something, right?)
What I should have known from the beginning: I can’t blend in. I am not a “real” Korean, and even if I could speak the language well, I wouldn’t be accepted as the real deal. I’m too different. I didn’t grow up here. So I’m embracing my Americanness, something I never really did before.
What do I miss about North America? I miss simple things. Relating to people about TV shows, books, music, places. We were talking to our co-workers (who are from Canada) about candy we ate as a child. It was the most amazing conversation! You can just relate! I miss talking in my normal lingo and having people understand what I’m saying and getting my humor. We find ourselves talking in poor English on purpose because it’s simple and we know we’ll be understood. Sometimes we feel like our English ability has gone downhill. Our brains feel kind of stagnant. I feel like I should exercise my brain and keep it lively (Hmm, maybe I should learn Korean?)
I definitely feel ready to come back to the states. I know it will be comforting. (Even if it seems like an utter mess, and I’m nervous about the future). Just being able to easily communicate. I miss that.
I know when we get back, I will definitely appreciate America a lot more. (Sidenote: I never used to call it “America” until coming here, but that’s how its referred to here). I look forward to family and friends, diversity, great food from all around the world, speaking in our native tongue! I am inspired to travel around and explore the States and Canada. I’ve definitely taken it for granted. It does have it’s pros, like every country. Every place has it’s good and it’s bad.
But there are amazing things I will miss from Korea. I know I will miss it a lot. As frustrating as it can be sometimes, I do love it here! As much as I dislike the job, and want to quit sometimes, when I picture myself getting on a plane and leaving this country, my heart aches. I love Korea and am proud of my heritage. I imagine I will forever feel torn in two directions… I will want to come back. Korea has always been a part of me. As cheesy as it may sound, being here has filled an emptiness in my heart. Living here has given me more pieces in which to shape my identity. A Korean-American. An American-Korean. An American, Korean-adoptee.
PS: I didn’t know Katherine Heigl adopted a daughter from South Korea. I live in a bubble.
